The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
You Might Also Like
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame