People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.