People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
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“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
How about I get 100% off by already being there