People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Tier 3 meme
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around