@bazecraze: People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don't watch.
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@offsidebastard: The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
@DrDogMD: [During surgery] DR DOG: Suction please. NURSE: But there's no bleeding. DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
@mattgallo123: It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
@Book_Krazy: [arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month] "Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?" ME: uh oh