@bazecraze: People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don't watch.
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@notacroc: [date] Her: so you're a mathematician? Me: no actually I'm a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: What are you doing? ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs? ME: WIFE: You fell down the stairs ME: Yes
@Rollinintheseat: *spelling bee* "Your word is disaster." "Can you use it in a sentence?" "That outfit you're wearing looks like a natural disaster."
@just1fool: Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn't have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn't make so much god damn noise!