People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
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Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Good Morning.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.