People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
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Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I told my vodka about you.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
wishing you and yours all the best
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.