@julezmac: "People want to drink a panic attack." -- inventor of 5 Hour Energy
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@Gooooats: According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
@ieatanddrink: If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I'd change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
@Skullcat: Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It's only 3 digits & he said it's only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
@MDthrice: *on date* Me [don't let her know you're married] I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone. Her: oh that's cool. Me: yeah my wife got it for me.