“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.