Was it something I said?
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Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Swedish for common sense.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)