People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
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I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
“our sushi is very fresh”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.