@Vodkantots: People who are genuinely surprised when politicians behave badly should be forced to wear helmets for their own protection.
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@brocketxyz: My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, "I WANT MOMMY," whenever my wife sends me into his room.
@Jake_Vig: Survival Tip: If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
@ClichedOut: I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip. Yeah. Offer delivery.