Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
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My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*