*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
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People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.