People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
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Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone: