Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
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I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!