Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
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Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake