@Aut_tot: People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I'm using creamer because I love myself
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@valerie_tosi: The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said "It's cute that you think I'm here for that."
@iwearaonesie: Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn't mean knock him off with a pillow
@TheTweetOfGod: "Why do bad things happen to good people?" To even out the good things that happen to bad people.