@Aut_tot: People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I'm using creamer because I love myself
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@dafloydsta: [couples therapy] ME: She thinks I make bad decisions WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
@recoveringbapti: The word "Diputseromneve" may look ridiculous, but backward it's even more stupid...
@Sickayduh: Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker? Me: No, that's all I saw *shows me it's just a picture of a fist* Me: *sobbing* That's him
@ericsshadow: I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.