@TheTweetOfGod: People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.
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@jtswhipped: To the woman that told her husband to "bite my ballsack" at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.
@brandonIee: I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I'm sorry, but I've moved on, and maybe it's time that you do too.
@matt___nelson: DOG 911: what's your emergency? DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller DOG 911: *covers phone* WE'VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY