[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
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Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.