People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
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beware of dog
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!