People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists