People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon