husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Canadian owl: Eh?
#Caturday
Camping tip: No.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.