*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
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MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
…..pretty much.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.