People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
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my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
What a kind woman! 😂😂