People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
You Might Also Like
my first day as a raccoon
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Every damn time
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.