People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I鈥檒l save you the trouble…You鈥檙e whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I haven鈥檛 gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don鈥檛 want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM庐 Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Everybody鈥檚 big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Accidentally sent a guy a 馃槈 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 馃檪
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.