People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
#growingpains
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!