Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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The Backseat Boys
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
time machine? you mean a clock?
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed