@junejuly12: People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
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@GrantTanaka: Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought "oh shit, I'm having a heart attack," but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
@AndyRichter: Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives' approximations of human behavior
@huntigula: her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house? him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don't be ridiculous