@junejuly12: People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
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@XplodingUnicorn: Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister? 3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
@TheFaldor: Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides? So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
@thatdutchperson: Me: yeah, I'm not going to make it in today. Boss:of course, this snow is crazy. Me: Snow?
@phaggots: "911, please help im dying" Good cop: help is on the way Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man Dad cop: hi dying, im dad