People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
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Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
i wish we could shoplift online
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN