People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
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Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
this is the greatest thing ever
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.