@tastefactory: People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
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@imVig: Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!
@Coastiefish: You think God hates crosses? If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I'd be pissed.
@JohnLyonTweets: As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
@LeBearGirdle: *eulogy* Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn't bring his banjo Me: dad always hated my banjo M: whew Me:[reaches into case] but he's gone now