“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
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if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.