People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
This story is comedy gold 😂
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”