People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
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If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever