People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
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You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
The pasta is now
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.