Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
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[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you