I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
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*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
*jingles half the way*
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”