People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
You Might Also Like
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa