People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
i meant to share this earlier
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money