People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Just me and my debit card against the world
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Bring back the McRib
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”