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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.