children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.