@NoompsyDahling: People who say love is dead have obviously never seen me eat a burrito.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas- *scuffle noises* ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
@jackmackenroth: I'm taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she's staying with me and I love subliminal messages.
@TheMichaelRock: You can now take small knives with you on planes, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!