@NoompsyDahling: People who say love is dead have obviously never seen me eat a burrito.
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@Sarcasticsapien: [walks up to coworker's desk] I know I don't say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.
@mjkspeaks: Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
@AcceptableLoses: Met the daughter's new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered 'looking forward to tonight's three way'... And that is that.