Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
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me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”