People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
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gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I have a type: disappointing
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest