I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
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in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein