@imadepoopstoday: People who say, "nothing could ever tear us apart", must not know about sharks.
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@Tmoney68: BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags. People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
@MartaEffing: My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, 'that's how many teeth adult humans have'. I sure hope he asks me out again.
@KKAlThani: Me: why did you stop me? Cop: for starters you're not wearing a seatbelt. Me: what about main course? Cop: step out of the car.