I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
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A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Meeeee too!
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.