I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
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looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
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REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
🤣😂
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama