People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
You Might Also Like
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I wish I could veto my bills.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.