People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
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Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King