Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
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Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Dishonest mechanic?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
WWE is French for “yes”
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
saw this in a dream
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you