dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Name this drama.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Me driving through Toronto
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Siri, fight Alexa.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?