People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I love wikipedia
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring